#57- Buy Myself Flowers

I've been saving this one for a time when I needed it, and that time came this week.

Things have been sorta bleh lately. Almost every work day involves tears, mild panic attacks, or both, and I've come dangerously close to not returning from my lunch breaks more times than I should admit. The high stress has led to overeating, which has led to weight gain, which has, of course, led to reduced self-esteem; between my gray hairs, tight pants, and bloated belly, I've been feeling like a frumpy blob. I've been missing my family a lot, especially my sister. And I've been feeling particularly bummed about our tight budget and not getting to buy unlimited PSLs, new fall boots and sweaters, and unnecessary pumpkin decorations.

But the cherry on the poop sundae was being separated from my husband for the first time since we got married. That was a challenge. Matt had to go to Alabama for a few days this week for a job interview (more on this later, perhaps), which left me alone for a while.

Yeah, I know. This is turning into a big ol' pity party, and I apologize. But honestly, the past couple of weeks have been the pits, and this last one was tops. I haven't felt that lonely or unhappy in a long, long time. Each day, I got up before dawn to go to a stressful job that pushes me to my limits. I sucked it up, I played nurse, and I forced my way through to shift change, only to go home to an empty house. I missed my husband. I missed my family. There's nothing, there's no one, here in Missouri for me. Everyone I loved or cared about was over 700 miles away, and without Matt here, I didn't know what to do with myself.

It was a depressing realization. I had thought this rare "me time" would be a freeing experience. I suddenly had the freedom to do whatever I wanted. Eat whatever I wanted. Watch whatever I wanted on Netflix. Instead, I zeroed in on how miserable I felt. I spent my precious time away from work moping on the couch, eating a pint of Halo Top Mint Chip ice cream, and I somehow found myself binging season one of Grey's Anatomy.

In the midst of this gloom, I promised myself I would do something I enjoyed. Whatever that was any more. I revisited my 101 Things List for ideas and saw that #57 remained unchecked.

Buy myself flowers.

Hmm. That sounded pretty nice. I could definitely use a pop of sunshine in my life right about now.

So, the next day, after work, #57 is what I did.

Unsurprisingly, I felt awkward browsing bouquets, knowing I was shopping for myself. I mean, buying yourself flowers is a pretty selfish thing to do. Right? You buy flowers to brighten someone else's day.

And if your day needs brightening... I don't know. You wait for someone to buy you flowers, I guess.

Isn't that what you do?

The more I pondered this, the stupider this seemed. I love flowers. Having a bright, fresh bouquet in the house is one of my favorite things. Why had I never bought them for myself? And why did I feel that doing so was selfish?

If the sight of flowers- of a little bit of nature- inside my home reminds me that there is actually a beautiful world out there, if it brings me joy, then by golly, I should buy flowers every week.

Wouldn't you agree?

Moral of the story: don't wait for someone else to cheer you up. Make your own day.

1 comment

Anna Marie Schaefer said...

Loved this one. I'm thinking about you and I hope things look brighter soon!